"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade.""Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?""Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."
"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!" "Do you drink a lot?""Not really - I spill most of it!"
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!""Is this her first child?" the doctor queries."No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you."
"Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast."You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone."What took you so long to answer?""I was in bed.""What were you doing in bed this late?""Getting a second opinion."
A baseball manager who had an ulcer was in his physician office for a checkup. "Remember," the doctor said, "don't get excited, don't get mad, and forget about baseball when you're off the field." Then he added, "By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth?"
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
A doctor said to his car mechanic, "Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care.""Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every year."
A woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, said, "Hello, I want to know if a patient is getting better."The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"She said, "Yes, darling! She's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."He said, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday."The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic! That's wonderful news!"The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"She said, "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Cohen, my doctor, doesn't tell me a word!"
A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" and the man replies, "No, just spots."
Oops!
Has anyone seen my watch?
That was some party last night.
I can't remember when I've been that drunk.
Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing! Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Damn, there go the lights again... Ya know, there's big money in kidneys.
Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. Steril, shcmeril.
The floor's clean, right? What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!
What do you mean, he's not insured? This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card? Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough. What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"
That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.
Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?
Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!