The cross eyed judge looked at the three defendants in the dock and said to the first one, "So how do you plead?""Not guilty" said the second defendant."I wasn't talking to you" the judge replied."I never said a word" the third defendant replied.
The defendant stood up in the dock and said to the judge, "I dont recognize this court!""Why?" asked the Judge."Because you've had it decorated since the last time I was here."
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon ... "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."
A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated lawsuit. Unfortunately, the evidence was against his client, and he feared the worst. So the lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if it would be appropriate to send the judge a box of Havana cigars.
The partner was horrified. "The judge is an honorable man," the partner exclaimed. "If you do that, I can guarantee you will lose the case!"
Weeks later the judge ruled in favor of the lawyer's client. The partner took him to lunch to congratulate him. "Aren't you glad you didn't send those cigars to the judge?", the partner asked.
"But I did send them," replied the lawyer. "I just enclosed the plaintiff's lawyer's business card!"
The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?""I do.""Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?""Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."
The Judge asked the defendant, "Mr. Jones ,do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?""I do.""Now what do you say to defend yourself?""Your Honor, under those limitations... nothing."
Judge: "Is it true that you owe your neighbor a thousand dollars?"Defendant: "Yes, it's true."Judge: "Then, why don't you just pay him back?"Defendant: "Because it wouldn't be true anymore."
Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?Defendant: No, I did not.Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.