FIREFIGHTERS
An excited man calls the fire department and says, "Help me, my house is on fire!!"
The fireman says, "Where do you live?"
The man replies, "I am too excited, I can't tell you the exact address." The fireman asks, "How do you expect us to get there?"
The man replies, "What do you mean 'how'? The big red truck."
After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building in a small Spanish town, the firemen observed a man dressed in a matador's costume prancing around on the roof. Four of the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape from the burning building by jumping into the net. He refused and loudly proclaimed, "I'm Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing, not even fire."
The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept prancing around while repeating the same phrase over and over until the firemen got really sick and tired of hearing it. Finally, when the flames began to scorch his butt, Jose announced he had changed his mind, was ready to jump and then leaped off the rooftop. As his body hurtled toward the safety-net, the four firemen shouted, "Ole!" and quickly moved it aside.
If the Chief and a Newbie both jumped out of a burning building at the same time, which one would hit the net first?The Chief, because the Newbie would have to stop and ask for directions.
How Firemen do it...
Firemen are always in heat.Firemen do it wearing rubber.Firemen do it with a big hose.Firemen do it with a lot of heat.Firemen find them hot, and leave them wet.
POLICEMAN
While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.
They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.The chief asked: "Who is in the limo, the mayor?"The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the mayor."Then the chief asked "Is it the governor?"The policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the governor."The chief finally asked: "Is it the President?"The policeman answered: "No, someone even more important than the President."This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is more important than the President?!"The policeman calmly wispered: "I'll put it to you this way chief. I don't know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur."
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.""I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample.""I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.""I can't do that, officer.""Why not?""Because I'm too drunk to do that."
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."Man: "No sir, I was going 60."Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."
Late one Friday night a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later ..." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
"When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least.""You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old."
A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?""No, I am an undercover detective.""So why are you in uniform?""Today is my day off."
A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate. "I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?"
"I should let you know first that I am a policeman."
"That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!"
A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?""No," says the cop."What about all these other cars?""They didn't ask!"
A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error. "Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch. "Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch. He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."
A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.
The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000."
The client asked, "What? How's that possible?"
The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."
Top 10 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand.
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes I know there is no other car around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
TEACHERS
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers.
A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+.
Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?"
The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."
The parents were very disappointed in the grades that their son brought home. "The only consolation I can find in these awful grades," lamented the father, "is that I know he never cheated during his exams."
A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."
Teacher: "Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?"Sam: "I don’t know."Teacher: "Bark, Sam, bark."Sam: "Bow, wow, wow!"
Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?Paddy: Seven!Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?Paddy: Seven!Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?Paddy: Six.Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?Paddy: Seven!Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet."Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer."Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
The teacher brings a statue of Venus into class and asks, "What do you like best about it, class? Let's start with you, Robert.""The artwork," says Robert."Very good. And you, Peter?""Her tits!" says Peter."Peter, get out! Go stand in the hall," responds the teacher with disgust. "And you, Johnny?""I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..."
"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.
"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends. "First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."
"Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathized his friends.
"I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever had."
A little kid's in school, taking a true-false test and he's flipping a coin. At the end of the test he's flipping the coin again. The teacher says, "What are you doing?" He says, "Checking my answers."
The ways to grade the final exams
Dept of Statistics:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
Dept of Psychology:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
Dept of History:
All students get the same grade they got last year.
Dept of Religion:
Grade is determined by God.
Dept of Philosophy:
What is a grade?
Law School:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.
Dept of Logic:
If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.
Dept of Computer Science:
Random number generator determines grade.
Music Department:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).
Dept of Physical Education:
Everybody gets an A.
ADVERTISERS
After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.The Pope says, "What can I do?"The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up.
After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words."
So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales. The Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."
So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news. The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."
An advertising team is working very late at night on a project due the next morning. Suddenly, a Genie appears before them and offers to each of them one wish.
The copywriter says: "I've always dreamed of writing the great American novel and having my work studied in schools across the land. I'd like to go to a tropical island where I can concentrate and write my masterpiece."The Genie says, "No problem!" and poof! The copywriter is gone.
The art director says: "I want to create a painting so beautiful that it would hang in the Louvre Museum in Paris for all the world to admire. I want to go to the French countryside to work on my painting."The Genie says, "Your wish is granted!" and poof! The art director is gone.
The Genie then turns to the account executive and says, "And what is your wish?"The account executive says, "I want those two assholes back here right now."
You go to a party and see a sexy girl across the room. You go up to her and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed, what about it?"That's Direct Marketing.
You go to a party and see a sexy girl across the room. You approach her to get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed, what about it?"That's Telemarketing.
You go to a party and see a sexy girl across the room. Your friend goes to her and says, "Hi, my friend over there is fantastic in bed, what about it?"That's Advertising.
You go to a party and see a sexy girl across the room. You get up, straighten your clothes, approach her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after it drops, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."That's Public Relations.
You go to a party and see a sexy girl across the room. She comes over and says, "Hi, I hear you're fantastic in bed, what about it?"That's the power of Branding!
INSURANCE AGENTS
Three guys are fishing in the Caribbean. One guy says, "I had a terrible fire; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."
The second guy says, "I had a terrible explosion; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."
The third guy says, "What a coincidence. I had a terrible flood; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."
The other guys turned to him with confusion and asked, "Flood? How do you start a flood?"
A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job."We don't need any one," they replied."You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anytime any thing.""We have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."He was gone for about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for a $80,000 policy and another for a $50,000 policy."How in the world did you do that," they asked."I told you I'm the world's best salesman, I can sell anyone anywhere anytime.""Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him."What's that?" he asked. "Well, if you sell a policy over $40,000 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."He was gone for about eight hours and then he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Brown's and this one is Mr. Smith's.""That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?""Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention and I sold them a group policy!"
Life insurance agent to would-be client: "Don't let me frighten you into a hasty decision. Sleep on it tonight. If you wake in the morning, give me a call then and let me know."
"You ought to feel highly honored," said the businessman to the life insurance agent, "so far today I have had my secretary turn away seven insurance agents.""Yes, I know," replied the agent, "I'm them."
JUDGES
The cross eyed judge looked at the three defendants in the dock and said to the first one, "So how do you plead?""Not guilty" said the second defendant."I wasn't talking to you" the judge replied."I never said a word" the third defendant replied.
The defendant stood up in the dock and said to the judge, "I dont recognize this court!""Why?" asked the Judge."Because you've had it decorated since the last time I was here."
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon ... "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."
A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated lawsuit. Unfortunately, the evidence was against his client, and he feared the worst. So the lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if it would be appropriate to send the judge a box of Havana cigars.
The partner was horrified. "The judge is an honorable man," the partner exclaimed. "If you do that, I can guarantee you will lose the case!"
Weeks later the judge ruled in favor of the lawyer's client. The partner took him to lunch to congratulate him. "Aren't you glad you didn't send those cigars to the judge?", the partner asked.
"But I did send them," replied the lawyer. "I just enclosed the plaintiff's lawyer's business card!"
The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?""I do.""Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?""Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."
The Judge asked the defendant, "Mr. Jones ,do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?""I do.""Now what do you say to defend yourself?""Your Honor, under those limitations... nothing."
Judge: "Is it true that you owe your neighbor a thousand dollars?"Defendant: "Yes, it's true."Judge: "Then, why don't you just pay him back?"Defendant: "Because it wouldn't be true anymore."
Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?Defendant: No, I did not.Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.
LAWYER
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, "How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?"
"Just send an account for such advice" replied the lawyer.
On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 account. That afternoon he received a $100 account from the lawyer.
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150 .
A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer."Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client. "Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!""Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?""Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"
"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.""Why do you say that?""Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25'."
The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!"
His father responded: "You idiot, we could live on the funding of that case for another ten years!"
A lawyer, who was talking to his son about entering college, said, "Now got into your head that you want to be a doctor instead of a lawyer?""Well, dad," answered the son, "did you ever hear anybody get up in a croud and shout frantically, 'Is there a lawyer in the house?' "
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."
The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"The student replied, "Here's an orange."The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"
When the man in the street says: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it," the lawyer writes:"Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures."
A junior partner in a firm was sent to a far-away state to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm: "Justice prevailed."The senior partner replied in haste: "Appeal immediately."
A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The lawyer asked him, "Did you actually see the accident?"The witness: "Yes, sir."
The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."
The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me that question."
A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
"That's unfair !" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
"Shut up!" barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of lawyers. They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
DOCTOR
"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade.""Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?""Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."
"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!" "Do you drink a lot?""Not really - I spill most of it!"
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!""Is this her first child?" the doctor queries."No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you."
"Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast."You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone."What took you so long to answer?""I was in bed.""What were you doing in bed this late?""Getting a second opinion."
A baseball manager who had an ulcer was in his physician office for a checkup. "Remember," the doctor said, "don't get excited, don't get mad, and forget about baseball when you're off the field." Then he added, "By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth?"
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
A doctor said to his car mechanic, "Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care.""Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every year."
A woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, said, "Hello, I want to know if a patient is getting better."The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"She said, "Yes, darling! She's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."He said, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday."The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic! That's wonderful news!"The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"She said, "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Cohen, my doctor, doesn't tell me a word!"
A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" and the man replies, "No, just spots."
Oops!
Has anyone seen my watch?
That was some party last night.
I can't remember when I've been that drunk.
Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing! Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Damn, there go the lights again... Ya know, there's big money in kidneys.
Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. Steril, shcmeril.
The floor's clean, right? What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!
What do you mean, he's not insured? This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card? Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough. What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"
That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.
Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?
Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
MATHEMATICIANS
The Flood is over and the ark has landed. Noah lets all the animals out and says, "Go forth and multiply."
A few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see how the animals are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby animals. Everyone is doing fine except for one pair of little snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah. "Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes.
Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?"
"Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, so we need logs to multiply."
What is the integral of "one over cabin" with respect to "cabin"?Answer: Natural log cabin + c = houseboat.
A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to a western country. They drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft.
He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!"
The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple pole in a complex plane."
The functions are sitting in a bar, chatting (how fast they go to zero at infinity etc.). Suddenly, one cries "Beware! Derivation is coming!" All immediately hide themselves under the tables, only the exponential sits calmly on the chair.The derivation comes in, sees a function and says "Hey, you don't fear me?""No, I'am e to x", says the exponential self-confidently."Well" replies the derivation "but who says I differentiate along x?"
What is the shortest mathematicians joke?
Let epsilon be smaller than zero.
Why mathematicians are afraid drive a car?
Because the width of the road is negligible comparing to its length.
An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician (it is said) were holidaying in Scotland. Glancing from a train window, they observed a black sheep in the middle of a field.
"How interesting," observed the astronomer, "all scottish sheep are black!"
To which the physicist responded, "No, no! Some Scottish sheep are black!"
The mathematician gazed heavenward in supplication, and then intoned, "In Scotland there exists at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black."
An engineer, a chemist and a mathematician are staying in three adjoining cabins at an old motel. First the engineer's coffee maker catches fire. He smells the smoke, wakes up, unplugs the coffee maker, throws it out the window, and goes back to sleep.
Later that night the chemist smells smoke too. He wakes up and sees that a cigarette butt has set the trash can on fire. He says to himself, "Hmm. How does one put out a fire? One can reduce the temperature of the fuel below the flash point, isolate the burning material from oxygen, or both. This could be accomplished by applying water." So he picks up the trash can, puts it in the shower stall, turns on the water, and, when the fire is out, goes back to sleep.
The mathematician, of course, has been watching all this out the window. So later, when he finds that his pipe ashes have set the bedsheet on fire, he is not in the least taken aback. He says: "Aha! A solution exists!" and goes back to sleep.
A mathematician and an engineer attend a lecture by a physicist. The topic concerns Kulza-Klein theories involving physical processes that occur in spaces with dimensions of 9, 12 and even higher. The mathematician is sitting, clearly enjoying the lecture, while the engineer is frowning and looking generally confused and puzzled. By the end the engineer has a terrible headache. At the end, the mathematician comments about the wonderful lecture.
The engineer says "How do you understand this stuff?"Mathematician: "I just visualize the process."Engineer: "How can you visualize something that occurs in 9-dimensional space?"Mathematician: "Easy, first visualize it in N-dimensional space, then let N go to 9."
A mathematician is in Africa trying to capture a lion. When he spots one he proceeds to build a fence around himself and says, "I define this to be outside!"
A mathematician wandered home at 3 AM. His wife became very upset, telling him, "You're late! You said you'd be home by 11:45!" The mathematician replied, "I'm right on time. I said I'd be home by a quarter of twelve."
JOB APPLICANT
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
"Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?""I ought to be able to. I've had ten different jobs in four months."
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked a young applicant fresh out of Business School, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"The applicant said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years - say, a red Corvette?"The applicant sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
In a job interview for policemen the applicants are shown a profile picture of a man, and the interviewer says, "The job that you're applying for requires powers of observation. Make one observation about this man."
The first applicant enters and says, "This man has just one ear." "Get out!!" screams the interviewer.
The second applicant enters and says, "This man has one ear." "Get out!!" screams the interviewer again.
Then the third applicant gets up to go in for his interview. The first two guys are out there and they tell him, "The guy that's giving the interview doesn't like to hear that the man in the picture has one ear.""Thanks for the tip" says the third applicant.
So the third applicant enters, stares at the picture for a while and finally he says, "This man wears contact lenses." The interviewer is impressed and says, "Excellent observation. Tell me, how could you tell?" So the guy says, "Well, this man has just one ear, how could he wear glasses?"
When you hire people that are smarter than you are, you prove you are smarter than they are.
------- R.H. Grant
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer went in to try out for the job."Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?""11" he replied.The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?""Today and tomorrow."The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know.""Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
A man applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.
As soon as the man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the envelope. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor Personnel Office."
An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a prominent medical school. "Tell me," inquired the interviewer, "where do you expect to be ten years from now?""Well, let's see," replied the student. "It's Wednesday afternoon. I guess I'll be on the golf course by now."
The navy psychiatrist was interviewing a potential sailor. To check on the young man's response to trouble, the psychiatrist asked, "What would you do if you looked out of that window right now and saw a battleship coming down the street?"The baby sailor said, "I'd grab a torpedo and sink it.""Where would you get the torpedo?""The same place you got your battleship!"
HR Manager to job candidate: "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel manager's office.
"What is the meaning of this?" the manager asked. "When you applied for the job, you told us you had 5 years' experience. Now we discover this is the first job you've ever had."
"Well," the young man said, "in your ad you said you wanted somebody with imagination."
New Job Interview Technique
Take the prospective employee and put him in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave him alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what he is doing.
If he has taken the table apart, put him in Engineering.If he is counting the butts in the ashtray, assign him to Finance.
If he is waving his arms and talking out loud, send him to Consulting.
If he is talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for him.
If he is sleeping, he is Management material.
If he is writing up the experience, send him to the Technical Documentation team.
If he doesn't even look up when you enter the room, assign him to Security.
If he tries to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, put him into Marketing.
If he is wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Software is his niche.
If he mentions what a good price we got for the table and chairs, send him to Purchasing.
If he mentions that hardwood furniture does not come from rainforests, Public Relations will suit him well.
A Manager of a retail clothing store is reviewing a potential employee's application and notices that the man has never worked in retail before. He says to the man, "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high wage."
"Well Sir," the applicant replies, "the work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing!"
The classified ad said, "Wanted: a very experienced lumberjack". A man answered the ad and was asked to describe his experience."I've worked at the Sahara Forest.""You mean the Sahara Desert," said the interviewer.The man laughed and answered, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"
Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.
Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
Experience is knowledge acquired when it's too late.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
JOKE OF THE DAY
THERE IS A COMMON QUESTION
WHY DID CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD
NOW LETS SEE HOW THE SCIENTISTS ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Alexander Graham Bell: To get to the nearest phone.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Robert Boyle: She had been under too much pressure at home.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Marie Curie: She was radiating with enthusiasm as she crossed the road.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Nicolaus Copernicus: Despite the evidence of you senses I can show that itis mathematically simpler to describe it as the road passing under the chicken.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
C. J. Doppler: For its effect on passer-bys.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Thomas Edison: She thought it would be an illuminating experience
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Richard Feynman: It didn't cross the road to the other side. It actuallycame back to where it started but was momentarily moving backward in time.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Jean Foucault: It didn’t. The rotation of the earth made it appear to cross.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Karl Gauss: Because of the magnetic personality of the rooster on theother side.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on this side of the road.
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